Seriously?! Saturday

There are just some people who fell out of the tree and hit every single limb on the way down. I'm not talking just specifically about the ugly tree...but its definitely a tree of misfortune.  

Disclaimer: on the one hand I feel horrible for posting this, I'm sure that this woman has a tragic past which made her into the tragic woman she is today, but this fact did not lessen the pain of my recent classroom entrapment.

Lets just lay out the facts. 

Disclaimer 2: while I am prone to wild and elaborate exaggeration, these are strictly facts. We can all agree that I am not funny enough to make this up.

• 9:15 monday morning, our specimen arrives in class, fifteen minutes late mind you. she is on the heavier side, is breathing heavy and walks with a cane. she is roughly 45 years old.
• where does she sit you ask...right next to me of course. taking a cue from a very "sweet" friend, I had chosen to sit on the end leaving the seat next to me open so that I could spread out and maintain my personal space. lets just say our specimen is uneducated in the laws of personal space.
• 9:15-9:45 continues to breathe hard...dear lord she is a nose breather
• throughout the morning she laughed at inappropriate times and made comments about everything...out loud...to the whole class... this continued for the rest of the week
• 11:15 she turns to the victim on her other side looks at her engagement ring and says (mind the quotes) "oooooooooooooooooooooooooh someone must really love you. that must be nice especially with valentines day coming up. i dont have anyone. its just me and the cats"
• .......
• lunchtime: health 101: if you get short of breath while eating you have a heart condition.
• more heavy nose breathing
• 12:00 she discovers the free pepperidge farm cookies, squeals and announces to the class "they have FREEEE cookies" then procedes to eat a handful (roughly 7 cookies)
• 12:30 another handful of cookies
• 1:00 MOOOORE cookies. i was staring at this point (disclaimer 3: ok so who does not indulge and eat roughly 20 cookies in a sitting...but seriously who does this in public?)
• flashforward to Tuesday, our specimen enters the classroom 45 minutes late and short of breath  
• tardiness and heavy breathing aside there is something else notable about her appearance...she is wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a wool sweater covered in ....Llamas
• 
  
  
  
  
   
• 12:00 repeat cookie incident...but only twice this time...yay portion control
• mid afternoon break rough 2:45...she seemed to have had some difficulties in the restroom and damaged some of the equipment causing a full out flood...catch my drift ;). WWANPD? (what would a normal person d0-easy, say OMG who did this and run like hell). what does crazy cookie llama lady do? marches to the front of the room (ok not marches she walks with a cane..hobbles...i think thats the right word) interrupts the teacher who is having a private conversation and announces that she is very sorry but the toilet is clogged and is flooding someone must come and fix it immediately, she said this loud enough for EVERYONE to hear
• 2:46  and then for the cheap seats in the back she turns to the class and out loud announces that she is very sorry that she has broken a toilet
• 2:56 minutes later apologizes AGAIN

 it was a painful albeit amusing week. excuse me while I go burn in hell now.



for the record she is NOT a nurse :) in fact she "failed" out of the nursing school a "long time ago"...phew